Lonely

There are just days when I feel unbelievably lonely. Days when I long for the sense of belongingness that the people around me can no longer provide.

And then my imagination runs wild -- with thoughts of what-ifs and what-could-bes.

And I feel lonely even more.

It's a vicious cycle, I tell you.

Nakaquota na daw kasi ako last year kaya wala na muna daw this year.

I just wish I was crazy enough to tell you how I feel. To stop editing myself and just tell you, no-holds-barred, the way I feel for you. To hash out all these emotions for all they're worth. 


Because all these thoughts of what-ifs are eating me. And I'm not sure if at the end, there'd still be something left.

Passion and Happiness

I attended the Mission Mass today for this year's JVP batch which my best friend was a part of. I loved the message of the whole Celebration. During the whole thing, I just felt the sense of service slowly start to reignite in me.

In the past years, while I was trying to make things happen for myself, I guess I somehow forgot that there was something bigger than me that was worth living for. In some way, I became selfish. Not in the sense that I'd willingly step on other people just to get what I want. But I started doing things for myself and myself alone.

The priest mentioned a quote awhile ago by Friedrich Nietzsche: "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." I guess, that 'how' was what was missing in my life these past few years. I somehow stopped thinking that I was doing things for Him and did things just for myself. It's shameful but I guess it was what I needed for me to have my faith strengthened.

I used to believe in Him just because there was no sense of not believing in Him. I lived a charmed life. I had things easy. Even when things were "hard", I was able to overcome them with not much effort. So why would I not believe that there was a God?

This time it's different, my faith in Him is different. I've experienced what it's like to not have Him by your side. I've experienced what it was like to do things without lifting it up to Him. And it was not good.

Today was not a eureka moment. It has taken me quite some time to finally come to terms with myself and my faith again. But today has reinvigorated the idea that everything is infinitely better if they are offered up to Him. So thank you Lord for telling me that today.

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I'm at a much better place right now. I still have low self-esteem some times. I still worry a lot. I still feel that I lack a lot of things in my life. But at the back of my head, the idea that everything will be fine still resonates soundly. I'm happy, despite everything.

What's worse

You know what's worse than feeling bad and wanting to rant? It's ranting and realizing that the person you chose to rant on doesn't know you the way you thought they did.


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I knew there was already a crack somewhere. I just never thought it was already this big.


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What I needed was someone to support my decision. Not someone to convince me otherwise.

On reading

For the past few months, my reading patterns have changed so much. It used to be that I would read  "serious" books alongside romance and fanfiction. But now, that's hardly the case. Not that I have an issue with that. Because more than reading about things, reading for me is like an escape.

But I guess, that's what bothers me more. I read now solely for escape. I have been living vicariously through the characters I read about. Because they can do things that I can't. Because their lives are so much more exciting than mine. Because frankly, I don't know where I can find these so-called adventures like they do.

And what scares me by having this choice for escape is that I have been living passively. Because I know that at the end of the day, I will have my characters to turn to, I just wait for things to happen to me. Wait for things, opportunities, chances to drop on my lap. Things are great and I am thankful. But I know there is a lot more that I can do, I can work on. I just don't know where to start.

I hope this is just the quarterlife crisis talking. That I'll figure out things soon, somehow.

I don't get it. Why do I miss you still?

Not Valentine's Day

It's technically not Valentine's Day anymore. So technically, this whole missing you thing should already be over and done with.

But guess what? I miss you every single day. Even when I still saw you everyday. And especially now that I don't. And it sucks that I know I have to get over missing you. That, at some point, I have got to stop missing you. Because missing you is just another one of the things I'm doing that I shouldn't be doing. Because missing you amounts to nothing.

In my mind, I've accepted it. I just hope my subconscious would somehow keep up and realize that not everything should remind me of you.