I'm having all these feelings of boredom and loneliness lately. And back-reading my blog posts isn't making it any easier. Because I realize that it's what I've been feeling in the last few years.
I dunno exactly what I'm missing. But I'm getting the sense that I have to do something drastic to turn this around. I'm not sure though when I will be ready.
Or maybe, I'm feeling this because I know I can't get away.
I feel guilty for feeling these things because really, there are lots of people dealing with more difficult problems than I have.
But as they say, it is what it is. And I only have this to let out my feelings.
12.2.16
8.3.15
Wanderlust
The hardest thing about wanderlust is when you know you can't get away. And not because you're afraid. Or you're scared. But because you know there are people counting on you. And they can't count on you if you're halfway around the world and scrounging for pennies for your next meal or for your next hostel stay.
Baby boomers will probably laugh at me with this dilemma I have. To their generation, I have the perfect life. A job that pays perfectly well. A more-or-less stable family life. Enough time for sleep and recreation. A non-existent lovelife at the moment, but I suppose that will come, sometime.
But I guess, that is one of the differences between that generation and ours. Or, maybe, there really is a gene marker for wanderlust, as one article I read a few days ago suggests.
It's been years since I've started to have this feeling. Like somehow I'm supposed to be somewhere else, instead of this life I'm currently living. Don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed. Blessed that I can actually help my family exactly when they needed me to. But on some level, I want to be in a life where I am untethered. Where I don't need to think about bills I need to pay or lessons I need to teach or career goals I need to reach. I want to be where I am only myself.
Selfish, maybe. But one can dream, right?
Baby boomers will probably laugh at me with this dilemma I have. To their generation, I have the perfect life. A job that pays perfectly well. A more-or-less stable family life. Enough time for sleep and recreation. A non-existent lovelife at the moment, but I suppose that will come, sometime.
But I guess, that is one of the differences between that generation and ours. Or, maybe, there really is a gene marker for wanderlust, as one article I read a few days ago suggests.
It's been years since I've started to have this feeling. Like somehow I'm supposed to be somewhere else, instead of this life I'm currently living. Don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed. Blessed that I can actually help my family exactly when they needed me to. But on some level, I want to be in a life where I am untethered. Where I don't need to think about bills I need to pay or lessons I need to teach or career goals I need to reach. I want to be where I am only myself.
Selfish, maybe. But one can dream, right?
17.6.13
1.5.13
Nice
It's nice, for once, knowing that this boy you like likes someone else and not feeling dejected for it. It's nice, that for once, you don't feel heartbroken when you think you should have. It's nice, for once, to be in the middle of this supposed life-changing moment (or rather lovelife-changing moment) and leaving remotely wounded.
But then, you start to wonder, was it the boy or was it you? Was it because you never really liked him enough anyway to care or because you weren't able to find it in your heart to care? Was it because you had no expectations from him or because you've decided that expectations are overrated and noone meets them anyway? Was it really nice or that you've just become too sad and cynical?
But then, you start to wonder, was it the boy or was it you? Was it because you never really liked him enough anyway to care or because you weren't able to find it in your heart to care? Was it because you had no expectations from him or because you've decided that expectations are overrated and noone meets them anyway? Was it really nice or that you've just become too sad and cynical?
19.1.13
How many more?
How many more days of this will I have? I'm getting tired. :( Every waking moment is spent thinking of how to lose weight.
11.1.13
Date Night
It happens on a Friday night. Because there's nothing better than ending a stressful week at work than spending it with the one you love. And because you know how I've always felt cheated whenever everyone at work had plans and I didn't. So you'd give me this.
And you will impractically brave the traffic to fetch me from work, all the way from Fort to Manila. Because you know how much I love grand gestures and I'll find this gesture grand enough that you won't have to wait a minute more once you reach our company's compound. I'll be waiting for you by the gate, giddy and excited because it's been five days since we last saw each other.
I'll let you pick where we eat because you gave me that choice the last time. Because that's what couples do, give and take. And I won't even complain about your choice. Because I will find you leading me to that restaurant that I told you about last week and said I wanted to try.
Dinner will be a simple affair. Because we don't need complicated foreign dishes like steak au poivre or cocido madrileno or prosciutto di parma. All we need are dishes that remind us of home. We'd eat with gusto, never mind that we just said last week that we'd have to start dieting.
Afterwards, we'd walk, and we'd talk. Because we never run out of things to share with each other. We'd talk about work, family and friends. We'll build on our dreams and plans. We'd discuss our future. And if we ever do run out of things to say, we'll welcome the silence. Because just as we embrace the words and the thoughts between us, we are also content in just staying still, holding each other with the peace only love can bring.
And then you'll bring me home, and you'll probably stay for coffee because my parents invite you to. And then I'll lead you to door. But before you leave, I'll hold you back one last time. And I will tell you that I love you.
And it's not because the night was perfect. Even if the night ended differently, probably with an argument over a petty thing but something that really mattered to us, I probably still would have told you that I love you. And I won't tell you because I had a great time. I could have done that dinner with friends but I wouldn't have told them I love at them. And I definitely would not tell you I love you because I think that's what you expect me to. You know I don't take things like this lightly.
I'd tell you that I love you because I just do. I just love you, simple and true.
And you will impractically brave the traffic to fetch me from work, all the way from Fort to Manila. Because you know how much I love grand gestures and I'll find this gesture grand enough that you won't have to wait a minute more once you reach our company's compound. I'll be waiting for you by the gate, giddy and excited because it's been five days since we last saw each other.
I'll let you pick where we eat because you gave me that choice the last time. Because that's what couples do, give and take. And I won't even complain about your choice. Because I will find you leading me to that restaurant that I told you about last week and said I wanted to try.
Dinner will be a simple affair. Because we don't need complicated foreign dishes like steak au poivre or cocido madrileno or prosciutto di parma. All we need are dishes that remind us of home. We'd eat with gusto, never mind that we just said last week that we'd have to start dieting.
Afterwards, we'd walk, and we'd talk. Because we never run out of things to share with each other. We'd talk about work, family and friends. We'll build on our dreams and plans. We'd discuss our future. And if we ever do run out of things to say, we'll welcome the silence. Because just as we embrace the words and the thoughts between us, we are also content in just staying still, holding each other with the peace only love can bring.
And then you'll bring me home, and you'll probably stay for coffee because my parents invite you to. And then I'll lead you to door. But before you leave, I'll hold you back one last time. And I will tell you that I love you.
And it's not because the night was perfect. Even if the night ended differently, probably with an argument over a petty thing but something that really mattered to us, I probably still would have told you that I love you. And I won't tell you because I had a great time. I could have done that dinner with friends but I wouldn't have told them I love at them. And I definitely would not tell you I love you because I think that's what you expect me to. You know I don't take things like this lightly.
I'd tell you that I love you because I just do. I just love you, simple and true.
4.1.13
2013
Every year, it's always been the same: read more, write more, save, lose weight. And every year, the result's the same.
So to shake things up a bit, I'll resolve to do one thing this year: to ACTUALLY accomplish those four things above. Hahahaha.
---
And sometimes, I still wonder why some people call me weird. :p
So to shake things up a bit, I'll resolve to do one thing this year: to ACTUALLY accomplish those four things above. Hahahaha.
---
And sometimes, I still wonder why some people call me weird. :p
3.1.13
Loneliness and weddings and everything else in between
For years, I've been content with compartmentalizing my relationships. I have a friend I can turn to for this, a friend I can turn to for that. But over the past few months, everything's changed, my world has shifted, I'll never be the same again.
I guess I'm already at that point in my life where I'm starting to look for that someone whom I can honest-to-goodness share my life with. Someone who will share it with me, no-holds-barred. Someone whom I can spend the rest of my life with.
And when you meet someone whom you think can potentially be that and later turns out not to be that is extremely disappointing.
Haaayyy. Weddings just do this to me.
I guess I'm already at that point in my life where I'm starting to look for that someone whom I can honest-to-goodness share my life with. Someone who will share it with me, no-holds-barred. Someone whom I can spend the rest of my life with.
And when you meet someone whom you think can potentially be that and later turns out not to be that is extremely disappointing.
Haaayyy. Weddings just do this to me.
Grand Gestures
I have an obsession with grand gestures.
It probably started when I was in Grade 6 when I had this ridiculously huge crush on a classmate. It was the first time I had a serious crush on someone. It was so ridiculous that I even used the numbers standing for his initials in my email address a year later (which I'm still using for my FB acount, btw).
He never gave me any indication that he liked me back but at the back of my mind, he was just waiting for the right moment to profess his undying love for me. So come Valentine's Day, I waited. This was a huge feat for me as I never mentioned this secret desire to anyone. It's like I was guarding this wonderful thing that I know would be happening and only I knew about it - so I waited. But it never came. That classmate never even came to class that day. He was from Cavite and since Valentine's Day was also Teachers' Day in our school, we only had to go to school for half-a-day. His parents probably thought that it was more practical for him to just stay at home rather than go to school and watch song and dance numbers for the teachers - it saves them effort and gas money that way.
You would probably think that after that miserable day when I was 12, I would have already learned my lesson. You'd think that it would be dramatic for my naive little heart that I'd be swearing off boys for the rest of my life. (Haha!) But it was just the opposite. The more they didn't happen, the higher my expectations became for the next possible moment. The fact that those grand gestures didn't come only fueled the desire for an even better moment. The more they didn't come, the grander I imagined they would be. Sadly, until now, I'm waiting for it to finally happen.
You'd probably think, I'm pathetic. And more often than not, I feel that way. Because realistically, how many times would these moments occur in a person's life? But I guess, when you've been waiting as long as I have, you don't think of waiting for it as crazy anymore. Because you know that when it comes, all the time you've spent waiting, all those times you've been disappointed, each and every one of those will be worth it.
It probably started when I was in Grade 6 when I had this ridiculously huge crush on a classmate. It was the first time I had a serious crush on someone. It was so ridiculous that I even used the numbers standing for his initials in my email address a year later (which I'm still using for my FB acount, btw).
He never gave me any indication that he liked me back but at the back of my mind, he was just waiting for the right moment to profess his undying love for me. So come Valentine's Day, I waited. This was a huge feat for me as I never mentioned this secret desire to anyone. It's like I was guarding this wonderful thing that I know would be happening and only I knew about it - so I waited. But it never came. That classmate never even came to class that day. He was from Cavite and since Valentine's Day was also Teachers' Day in our school, we only had to go to school for half-a-day. His parents probably thought that it was more practical for him to just stay at home rather than go to school and watch song and dance numbers for the teachers - it saves them effort and gas money that way.
You would probably think that after that miserable day when I was 12, I would have already learned my lesson. You'd think that it would be dramatic for my naive little heart that I'd be swearing off boys for the rest of my life. (Haha!) But it was just the opposite. The more they didn't happen, the higher my expectations became for the next possible moment. The fact that those grand gestures didn't come only fueled the desire for an even better moment. The more they didn't come, the grander I imagined they would be. Sadly, until now, I'm waiting for it to finally happen.
You'd probably think, I'm pathetic. And more often than not, I feel that way. Because realistically, how many times would these moments occur in a person's life? But I guess, when you've been waiting as long as I have, you don't think of waiting for it as crazy anymore. Because you know that when it comes, all the time you've spent waiting, all those times you've been disappointed, each and every one of those will be worth it.
8.12.12
Lonely
There are just days when I feel unbelievably lonely. Days when I long for the sense of belongingness that the people around me can no longer provide.
And then my imagination runs wild -- with thoughts of what-ifs and what-could-bes.
And I feel lonely even more.
It's a vicious cycle, I tell you.
And then my imagination runs wild -- with thoughts of what-ifs and what-could-bes.
And I feel lonely even more.
It's a vicious cycle, I tell you.
8.10.12
5.9.12
I just wish I was crazy enough to tell you how I feel. To stop editing myself and just tell you, no-holds-barred, the way I feel for you. To hash out all these emotions for all they're worth.
Because all these thoughts of what-ifs are eating me. And I'm not sure if at the end, there'd still be something left.
Because all these thoughts of what-ifs are eating me. And I'm not sure if at the end, there'd still be something left.
29.8.12
Passion and Happiness
I attended the Mission Mass today for this year's JVP batch which my best friend was a part of. I loved the message of the whole Celebration. During the whole thing, I just felt the sense of service slowly start to reignite in me.
In the past years, while I was trying to make things happen for myself, I guess I somehow forgot that there was something bigger than me that was worth living for. In some way, I became selfish. Not in the sense that I'd willingly step on other people just to get what I want. But I started doing things for myself and myself alone.
The priest mentioned a quote awhile ago by Friedrich Nietzsche: "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." I guess, that 'how' was what was missing in my life these past few years. I somehow stopped thinking that I was doing things for Him and did things just for myself. It's shameful but I guess it was what I needed for me to have my faith strengthened.
I used to believe in Him just because there was no sense of not believing in Him. I lived a charmed life. I had things easy. Even when things were "hard", I was able to overcome them with not much effort. So why would I not believe that there was a God?
This time it's different, my faith in Him is different. I've experienced what it's like to not have Him by your side. I've experienced what it was like to do things without lifting it up to Him. And it was not good.
Today was not a eureka moment. It has taken me quite some time to finally come to terms with myself and my faith again. But today has reinvigorated the idea that everything is infinitely better if they are offered up to Him. So thank you Lord for telling me that today.
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I'm at a much better place right now. I still have low self-esteem some times. I still worry a lot. I still feel that I lack a lot of things in my life. But at the back of my head, the idea that everything will be fine still resonates soundly. I'm happy, despite everything.
What's worse
You know what's worse than feeling bad and wanting to rant? It's ranting and realizing that the person you chose to rant on doesn't know you the way you thought they did.
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I knew there was already a crack somewhere. I just never thought it was already this big.
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What I needed was someone to support my decision. Not someone to convince me otherwise.
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I knew there was already a crack somewhere. I just never thought it was already this big.
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What I needed was someone to support my decision. Not someone to convince me otherwise.
26.8.12
On reading
For the past few months, my reading patterns have changed so much. It used to be that I would read "serious" books alongside romance and fanfiction. But now, that's hardly the case. Not that I have an issue with that. Because more than reading about things, reading for me is like an escape.
But I guess, that's what bothers me more. I read now solely for escape. I have been living vicariously through the characters I read about. Because they can do things that I can't. Because their lives are so much more exciting than mine. Because frankly, I don't know where I can find these so-called adventures like they do.
And what scares me by having this choice for escape is that I have been living passively. Because I know that at the end of the day, I will have my characters to turn to, I just wait for things to happen to me. Wait for things, opportunities, chances to drop on my lap. Things are great and I am thankful. But I know there is a lot more that I can do, I can work on. I just don't know where to start.
I hope this is just the quarterlife crisis talking. That I'll figure out things soon, somehow.
But I guess, that's what bothers me more. I read now solely for escape. I have been living vicariously through the characters I read about. Because they can do things that I can't. Because their lives are so much more exciting than mine. Because frankly, I don't know where I can find these so-called adventures like they do.
And what scares me by having this choice for escape is that I have been living passively. Because I know that at the end of the day, I will have my characters to turn to, I just wait for things to happen to me. Wait for things, opportunities, chances to drop on my lap. Things are great and I am thankful. But I know there is a lot more that I can do, I can work on. I just don't know where to start.
I hope this is just the quarterlife crisis talking. That I'll figure out things soon, somehow.
12.6.12
15.2.12
Not Valentine's Day
It's technically not Valentine's Day anymore. So technically, this whole missing you thing should already be over and done with.
But guess what? I miss you every single day. Even when I still saw you everyday. And especially now that I don't. And it sucks that I know I have to get over missing you. That, at some point, I have got to stop missing you. Because missing you is just another one of the things I'm doing that I shouldn't be doing. Because missing you amounts to nothing.
In my mind, I've accepted it. I just hope my subconscious would somehow keep up and realize that not everything should remind me of you.
29.7.11
25.7.11
Crossroads
Around a month ago, we answered a questionnaire regarding Culture in the Workplace for our Cultural Awareness class. One aspect which was checked in that questionnaire was our need for certainty. Out of a 100, I scored a 75. Some would probably argue that that is a normal figure. But given that the average score for Filipinos is 44; and out of the 15 countries tested, Brazil with a score of 76 ranked 5th from the highest, my need for certainty is absolutely in the higher levels. Which is probably why given the circumstances I am in right now, I'm certainly feeling stressed and at the same time I'm feeling absolutely giddy.
I never really saw this event happening. It was such a great surprise that I literally felt the chills when I read about it. But it's something that I really want. I never expected to get this near, which is actually not even as near as it seems. It's just quite unfathomable for me. And that is why I can't get over this until it's settled. I can't get over it until I know for sure what the verdict is.
I don't hate the circumstances. I am in a point right now where I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Opportunities like this come but once and I'm certainly up for feeling whatever it is that I'm feeling right now if it means that I get to have a shot at it. I just don't like the feeling that everything's about to change, whatever the result is. I'm gonna be changed for life by this, whatever the outcome is.
Ahhhh... I'm just talking in riddles. This is what uncertainty does to me. I go crazy.
19.7.11
to you
There are certain things I wish to tell you.
That I am thankful for having gotten to know you. I'm grateful that you were the first one who taught me the things I needed to learn. I appreciate how you were so patient with me when I asked questions and when I made mistakes. And I love how you showed genuine concern and made me feel welcome.
That sometimes, I wish we were under different circumstances. I hope you weren't that irresistible. I wish you didn't have her. I hope you like me back.
That despite the fact that the idea of you makes me hurt sometimes, I am grateful you exist. I am thankful for the day you were born. Because even though your presence makes my heart break a little each time I see you, you still give me reason to smile every day.
HB, Occupational Hazard.
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