I'm having all these feelings of boredom and loneliness lately. And back-reading my blog posts isn't making it any easier. Because I realize that it's what I've been feeling in the last few years.
I dunno exactly what I'm missing. But I'm getting the sense that I have to do something drastic to turn this around. I'm not sure though when I will be ready.
Or maybe, I'm feeling this because I know I can't get away.
I feel guilty for feeling these things because really, there are lots of people dealing with more difficult problems than I have.
But as they say, it is what it is. And I only have this to let out my feelings.
12.2.16
8.3.15
Wanderlust
The hardest thing about wanderlust is when you know you can't get away. And not because you're afraid. Or you're scared. But because you know there are people counting on you. And they can't count on you if you're halfway around the world and scrounging for pennies for your next meal or for your next hostel stay.
Baby boomers will probably laugh at me with this dilemma I have. To their generation, I have the perfect life. A job that pays perfectly well. A more-or-less stable family life. Enough time for sleep and recreation. A non-existent lovelife at the moment, but I suppose that will come, sometime.
But I guess, that is one of the differences between that generation and ours. Or, maybe, there really is a gene marker for wanderlust, as one article I read a few days ago suggests.
It's been years since I've started to have this feeling. Like somehow I'm supposed to be somewhere else, instead of this life I'm currently living. Don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed. Blessed that I can actually help my family exactly when they needed me to. But on some level, I want to be in a life where I am untethered. Where I don't need to think about bills I need to pay or lessons I need to teach or career goals I need to reach. I want to be where I am only myself.
Selfish, maybe. But one can dream, right?
Baby boomers will probably laugh at me with this dilemma I have. To their generation, I have the perfect life. A job that pays perfectly well. A more-or-less stable family life. Enough time for sleep and recreation. A non-existent lovelife at the moment, but I suppose that will come, sometime.
But I guess, that is one of the differences between that generation and ours. Or, maybe, there really is a gene marker for wanderlust, as one article I read a few days ago suggests.
It's been years since I've started to have this feeling. Like somehow I'm supposed to be somewhere else, instead of this life I'm currently living. Don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed. Blessed that I can actually help my family exactly when they needed me to. But on some level, I want to be in a life where I am untethered. Where I don't need to think about bills I need to pay or lessons I need to teach or career goals I need to reach. I want to be where I am only myself.
Selfish, maybe. But one can dream, right?
17.6.13
1.5.13
Nice
It's nice, for once, knowing that this boy you like likes someone else and not feeling dejected for it. It's nice, that for once, you don't feel heartbroken when you think you should have. It's nice, for once, to be in the middle of this supposed life-changing moment (or rather lovelife-changing moment) and leaving remotely wounded.
But then, you start to wonder, was it the boy or was it you? Was it because you never really liked him enough anyway to care or because you weren't able to find it in your heart to care? Was it because you had no expectations from him or because you've decided that expectations are overrated and noone meets them anyway? Was it really nice or that you've just become too sad and cynical?
But then, you start to wonder, was it the boy or was it you? Was it because you never really liked him enough anyway to care or because you weren't able to find it in your heart to care? Was it because you had no expectations from him or because you've decided that expectations are overrated and noone meets them anyway? Was it really nice or that you've just become too sad and cynical?
19.1.13
How many more?
How many more days of this will I have? I'm getting tired. :( Every waking moment is spent thinking of how to lose weight.
11.1.13
Date Night
It happens on a Friday night. Because there's nothing better than ending a stressful week at work than spending it with the one you love. And because you know how I've always felt cheated whenever everyone at work had plans and I didn't. So you'd give me this.
And you will impractically brave the traffic to fetch me from work, all the way from Fort to Manila. Because you know how much I love grand gestures and I'll find this gesture grand enough that you won't have to wait a minute more once you reach our company's compound. I'll be waiting for you by the gate, giddy and excited because it's been five days since we last saw each other.
I'll let you pick where we eat because you gave me that choice the last time. Because that's what couples do, give and take. And I won't even complain about your choice. Because I will find you leading me to that restaurant that I told you about last week and said I wanted to try.
Dinner will be a simple affair. Because we don't need complicated foreign dishes like steak au poivre or cocido madrileno or prosciutto di parma. All we need are dishes that remind us of home. We'd eat with gusto, never mind that we just said last week that we'd have to start dieting.
Afterwards, we'd walk, and we'd talk. Because we never run out of things to share with each other. We'd talk about work, family and friends. We'll build on our dreams and plans. We'd discuss our future. And if we ever do run out of things to say, we'll welcome the silence. Because just as we embrace the words and the thoughts between us, we are also content in just staying still, holding each other with the peace only love can bring.
And then you'll bring me home, and you'll probably stay for coffee because my parents invite you to. And then I'll lead you to door. But before you leave, I'll hold you back one last time. And I will tell you that I love you.
And it's not because the night was perfect. Even if the night ended differently, probably with an argument over a petty thing but something that really mattered to us, I probably still would have told you that I love you. And I won't tell you because I had a great time. I could have done that dinner with friends but I wouldn't have told them I love at them. And I definitely would not tell you I love you because I think that's what you expect me to. You know I don't take things like this lightly.
I'd tell you that I love you because I just do. I just love you, simple and true.
And you will impractically brave the traffic to fetch me from work, all the way from Fort to Manila. Because you know how much I love grand gestures and I'll find this gesture grand enough that you won't have to wait a minute more once you reach our company's compound. I'll be waiting for you by the gate, giddy and excited because it's been five days since we last saw each other.
I'll let you pick where we eat because you gave me that choice the last time. Because that's what couples do, give and take. And I won't even complain about your choice. Because I will find you leading me to that restaurant that I told you about last week and said I wanted to try.
Dinner will be a simple affair. Because we don't need complicated foreign dishes like steak au poivre or cocido madrileno or prosciutto di parma. All we need are dishes that remind us of home. We'd eat with gusto, never mind that we just said last week that we'd have to start dieting.
Afterwards, we'd walk, and we'd talk. Because we never run out of things to share with each other. We'd talk about work, family and friends. We'll build on our dreams and plans. We'd discuss our future. And if we ever do run out of things to say, we'll welcome the silence. Because just as we embrace the words and the thoughts between us, we are also content in just staying still, holding each other with the peace only love can bring.
And then you'll bring me home, and you'll probably stay for coffee because my parents invite you to. And then I'll lead you to door. But before you leave, I'll hold you back one last time. And I will tell you that I love you.
And it's not because the night was perfect. Even if the night ended differently, probably with an argument over a petty thing but something that really mattered to us, I probably still would have told you that I love you. And I won't tell you because I had a great time. I could have done that dinner with friends but I wouldn't have told them I love at them. And I definitely would not tell you I love you because I think that's what you expect me to. You know I don't take things like this lightly.
I'd tell you that I love you because I just do. I just love you, simple and true.
4.1.13
2013
Every year, it's always been the same: read more, write more, save, lose weight. And every year, the result's the same.
So to shake things up a bit, I'll resolve to do one thing this year: to ACTUALLY accomplish those four things above. Hahahaha.
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And sometimes, I still wonder why some people call me weird. :p
So to shake things up a bit, I'll resolve to do one thing this year: to ACTUALLY accomplish those four things above. Hahahaha.
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And sometimes, I still wonder why some people call me weird. :p
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