I'm turning 21 in a couple of months and I'm vowing to travel alone within 2 months of my birthday. 'Yun lang.

Crossroads

Around a month ago, we answered a questionnaire regarding Culture in the Workplace for our Cultural Awareness class. One aspect which was checked in that questionnaire was our need for certainty. Out of a 100, I scored a 75. Some would probably argue that that is a normal figure. But given that the average score for Filipinos is 44; and out of the 15 countries tested, Brazil with a score of 76 ranked 5th from the highest, my need for certainty is absolutely in the higher levels. Which is probably why given the circumstances I am in right now, I'm certainly feeling stressed and at the same time I'm feeling absolutely giddy.

I never really saw this event happening. It was such a great surprise that I literally felt the chills when I read about it. But it's something that I really want. I never expected to get this near, which is actually not even as near as it seems. It's just quite unfathomable for me. And that is why I can't get over this until it's settled. I can't get over it until I know for sure what the verdict is.

I don't hate the circumstances. I am in a point right now where I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Opportunities like this come but once and I'm certainly up for feeling whatever it is that I'm feeling right now if it means that I get to have a shot at it. I just don't like the feeling that everything's about to change, whatever the result is. I'm gonna be changed for life by this, whatever the outcome is.

Ahhhh... I'm just talking in riddles. This is what uncertainty does to me. I go crazy.

to you

There are certain things I wish to tell you.

That I am thankful for having gotten to know you. I'm grateful that you were the first one who taught me the things I needed to learn. I appreciate how you were so patient with me when I asked questions and when I made mistakes. And I love how you showed genuine concern and made me feel welcome.

That sometimes, I wish we were under different circumstances. I hope you weren't that irresistible. I wish you didn't have her. I hope you like me back.

That despite the fact that the idea of you makes me hurt sometimes, I am grateful you exist. I am thankful for the day you were born. Because even though your presence makes my heart break a little each time I see you, you still give me reason to smile every day.

HB, Occupational Hazard.

something

saw this again. it was a message i wrote my friend about a year ago. haha.

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love story, not.

my story got workshopped today. everything was fine. my teacher loved my main character and commended one paragraph on the beading-relationship metaphor i wrote. there was one thing missing, though. they didn't see the "love" between the main character and the love interest. sheesh... it's supposed to be a love story, for crying out loud. i think i've become too cynical.

i'm over him. i swear. but i'm afraid i've become too bitter about things and love, in general.

ismy

I still miss you. But I'm still not allowed to.

imy

I miss you. But I don't think I'm allowed to.

Alternate Reality

The idea of alternate realities fascinates me. Imagine, if it were true, there'd be a world where we'll be the same people we are now yet at the same time different.

In that reality, our conversations will cover more than the usual small talk topics of what our favorite books are, what type of music we listen to and pretty much what our CVs look like. We'd eat lunch together and talk like we've known each other forever. I'd tell you random things about my day and you'd tell me some of yours. In that reality, we would be two kindred souls.

The idea of alternate realities fascinates me. Imagine, if it were true, there'd be a world where we'll be the same people we are now yet at the same time different. In that reality, I'd still be yours. What's different is that you'd be mine, too.

Thankful

I'm tired. I haven't eaten properly in days; eating at odd times and odd proportions. I still have a lot to learn.

But I'm thankful because despite that, I still feel so blessed. Issues are resolved at the end of the day. I have food to eat. And at least, I have been sleeping. I'm also thankful that I have a lot of people supporting me: my officemates who answer all my questions, my friends who cheer me up through texts and fb posts, my family especially my mom for being my very own cheerleading team.

I'm tired, hungry(?), confused and feeling a little inadequate. But I feel that everything's still going to be alright. Yay!

A Million Miles per Minute

A lot of things are going through my mind lately. Recalling the processes I'm learning at work. Things I have to do once I get home. Concepts I need to learn. Whether I'm actually doing something productive for my future. And lots of other things...

I've just started working and although I'm still in the process of being trained for the actual work I'm eventually going to do, I'm starting to really feel inadequate. It's like 4thyr 1stsem all over again when a day goes by and I've understood not even a fraction of the things I'm supposed to understand. I'm learning a lot about stocks and derivatives and other financial whatnots everyday but compared to the things I still have to learn, they seem immaterial. The only difference between then and now is that now pretty much determines my future. There is less room for error and I'm kinda in this alone.

The only thing that's keeping me sane nowadays is the idea that although I haven't come out unscathed from college, I've come out alive and quite kicking. I managed to graduate on time and with honors. Now shouldn't be that much different. If not for that idea, I probably would have cried by now. But I have sort of promised myself that I will not cry and worry too much over this. Instead, I will study and I will research and I will do whatever it takes to do my job as best as I possibly can. I will send mantras of "I can do this!" to myself every minute. And I will not let anything deter me from hoping and hoping and hoping that eventually I'll be very good at this if not the best. I'm just at a disadvantage right now but I will not be for long. I will learn and I will adjust and some time from now, I will laugh at myself for thinking these things.

I have hope.

Hope

I just finished reading We'll Always Have Summer, the last in Jenny Han's Summer trilogy. I'm truly grateful that I've read it. Because in some way, it has given me hope.

Having read the past two books in the trilogy and the synopsis for the latest book, one would know that it could only end in either one of two things. Over the past years, I think I've become a little cynical about love. I still believe in love, that's for sure. But over the years, I've put it in me to think that sometimes, love can't just be enough. Love is not necessarily always right. So I've approached the book with the understanding that it could very well end with Belly, the protagonist, choosing the more logical option. But I guess, 18 years of believing in the power of love and all that jazz cannot be automatically taken away just like that. And half of me still hoped that the story would end in a traditional happily-ever-after.

The book has given me hope. Theoretically, it shouldn't really matter. Everyone's experience with love is different. The author could have been just too romantic. Not everyone must be that lucky, right? But I'm still hopeful. Hopeful that when I find the great love of my life, it will endure. That because of love, everything, despite all things, will fall into place. That no matter what the circumstances, that love will be right.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ~1 Corinthians 13:7

Thank God for tutoring!

Thank God for tutoring! Because if not for tutoring, I won't have money left from all the shopping I did. Hehe. And thank God that after 3 years, I'm really getting a hang of this thing. So yay!!!

Stirred

I was supposed to write a blog entry while I was halfway into reading Kate le Vann's Things I Know about Love. But then, Blogger acted up and decided it didn't want me to login so I just continued reading the story.

I was supposed to write about the merits of reading a novel where the reader is omniscient. But now that I actually finished reading the book (or rather, the e-book), I can't seem to string the words I've just been thinking around an hour ago. All I can say is that I loved the book and it really made me cry and I really loved the book. But oh! I already said that. And gah, I still want to cry just thinking about the story. :(

This is why I read

I just read Tweet Sering's Wander Girl. And out of all the Summit Books I've read, it has got to be the one that I love most.

Hilda, the protagonist, couldn't be any more different from me. But you could tell a good book in the way that it remains true and poignant to anyone who reads it, regardless of whether or not the reader should be able to relate to it or not.

These past few years, the best word to probably describe me is restless. I've been wanting a lot of things like crazy. I'm never sure if I'm at the right place. I'm not sure if where I'm going is where I actually want to head to. But this book has taught me to be hopeful, to have faith. That no matter where I am now, I am on the right track. Because as cliche as it may sound, I have faith that it's true.

fear

I'm scared.

I'm scared that I made the wrong decision. I'm scared that I chose the wrong path. I'm scared that I wasted better opportunities. I'm scared that I'm settling. I'm scared that I'm going to fail.

But I guess, above all else, rather than fear, what should stand out is faith.

So I'm claiming it. God has planned this for me. And I trust that everything will be for the best.

Jeremiah 29:11~

A New Day, Hopefully

Tomorrow, I'll be signing a piece of paper that will officially conclude my life as I have known it for the past 20 years. Tomorrow, I'll be signing a document that will officially make me the primary controller of my life. Tomorrow, I'll be embarking on my life as a professional.

Knowing these things just makes me nervous. I'll finally be taking charge of my life. Tomorrow will be the start of the life where I have to calculate every little thing I have to decide upon because after 20 years of having had to depend on my parents for many things, I'd finally be solely accountable for my actions.

At the same time, I am ecstatic. This is just the beginning. And tomorrow's the time when I'll finally start seeing my efforts coming into fruition. Tomorrow, I'm a big step closer to fulfilling my dreams.

And on top of everything, I'm scared. I'm scared of having made the wrong decision. I'm scared of not doing the right thing. I'm scared because I don't know everything that's going to happen in the future.

But then again, life's always going to be like that. There are really no guarantees, no certainties. I should know, as a statistician, I've been basing everything on uncertainty for the last four years. Each day is going to be a challenge, going to be a risk. And at the end of the day, it all boils down to faith: to believing that everything will turn out fine, that there's a reason for everything and each detail figures into one big plan, His one big plan.

I'm nervous and excited and scared. But most of all, I'm all set for this next ride.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

I will be brave.

It's weird how whenever I read the Formspring and Twitter accounts of this certain person, I seem to always want to do something about myself. And I actually mean that in a good way. You know how some people say that a certain person makes them want to be better versions of themselves? That's him for me. He's not supposed to really make me feel that way. I don't know him personally, for crying out loud. But no matter how delusional everything I'm saying sounds, I really like it.

I like how he makes me want to be brave and how he makes me want to go beyond my self-imposed limits. I like how he makes me want to believe that things that will make me happy are just out there waiting for me to discover them. I like how he makes me realize things about myself that I haven't thought of before. And he does all that without even knowing it. (And please, please, please don't ask me how EXACTLY I came up with all those things while stalking his social networking sites. I just do, okay?)

So I guess, even though I was expecting more when I saw the way he looks on TV (haha!), he'd always be that person I really admire. And one day, I'd be brave and get enough strength to meet him.

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So... I wasn't really expecting this post to go in that direction but I guess this is what blogging is all about: expressing yourself spontaneously. The entry I originally wanted to write would probably just have to wait for next time.

oOoOo

Weird, I've just read two young adult fiction books centered on studying abroad. And that wasn't even intentional. Makes me want to go tuloy on an AIESEC internship. I want to experience living abroad for a while. Also makes me wonder. Would I, like them, fall in love when I get there? Haha. It's really kinda bothering me. Haha. And now, I have to sleep.