A Million Miles per Minute

A lot of things are going through my mind lately. Recalling the processes I'm learning at work. Things I have to do once I get home. Concepts I need to learn. Whether I'm actually doing something productive for my future. And lots of other things...

I've just started working and although I'm still in the process of being trained for the actual work I'm eventually going to do, I'm starting to really feel inadequate. It's like 4thyr 1stsem all over again when a day goes by and I've understood not even a fraction of the things I'm supposed to understand. I'm learning a lot about stocks and derivatives and other financial whatnots everyday but compared to the things I still have to learn, they seem immaterial. The only difference between then and now is that now pretty much determines my future. There is less room for error and I'm kinda in this alone.

The only thing that's keeping me sane nowadays is the idea that although I haven't come out unscathed from college, I've come out alive and quite kicking. I managed to graduate on time and with honors. Now shouldn't be that much different. If not for that idea, I probably would have cried by now. But I have sort of promised myself that I will not cry and worry too much over this. Instead, I will study and I will research and I will do whatever it takes to do my job as best as I possibly can. I will send mantras of "I can do this!" to myself every minute. And I will not let anything deter me from hoping and hoping and hoping that eventually I'll be very good at this if not the best. I'm just at a disadvantage right now but I will not be for long. I will learn and I will adjust and some time from now, I will laugh at myself for thinking these things.

I have hope.

Hope

I just finished reading We'll Always Have Summer, the last in Jenny Han's Summer trilogy. I'm truly grateful that I've read it. Because in some way, it has given me hope.

Having read the past two books in the trilogy and the synopsis for the latest book, one would know that it could only end in either one of two things. Over the past years, I think I've become a little cynical about love. I still believe in love, that's for sure. But over the years, I've put it in me to think that sometimes, love can't just be enough. Love is not necessarily always right. So I've approached the book with the understanding that it could very well end with Belly, the protagonist, choosing the more logical option. But I guess, 18 years of believing in the power of love and all that jazz cannot be automatically taken away just like that. And half of me still hoped that the story would end in a traditional happily-ever-after.

The book has given me hope. Theoretically, it shouldn't really matter. Everyone's experience with love is different. The author could have been just too romantic. Not everyone must be that lucky, right? But I'm still hopeful. Hopeful that when I find the great love of my life, it will endure. That because of love, everything, despite all things, will fall into place. That no matter what the circumstances, that love will be right.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ~1 Corinthians 13:7

Thank God for tutoring!

Thank God for tutoring! Because if not for tutoring, I won't have money left from all the shopping I did. Hehe. And thank God that after 3 years, I'm really getting a hang of this thing. So yay!!!

Stirred

I was supposed to write a blog entry while I was halfway into reading Kate le Vann's Things I Know about Love. But then, Blogger acted up and decided it didn't want me to login so I just continued reading the story.

I was supposed to write about the merits of reading a novel where the reader is omniscient. But now that I actually finished reading the book (or rather, the e-book), I can't seem to string the words I've just been thinking around an hour ago. All I can say is that I loved the book and it really made me cry and I really loved the book. But oh! I already said that. And gah, I still want to cry just thinking about the story. :(

This is why I read

I just read Tweet Sering's Wander Girl. And out of all the Summit Books I've read, it has got to be the one that I love most.

Hilda, the protagonist, couldn't be any more different from me. But you could tell a good book in the way that it remains true and poignant to anyone who reads it, regardless of whether or not the reader should be able to relate to it or not.

These past few years, the best word to probably describe me is restless. I've been wanting a lot of things like crazy. I'm never sure if I'm at the right place. I'm not sure if where I'm going is where I actually want to head to. But this book has taught me to be hopeful, to have faith. That no matter where I am now, I am on the right track. Because as cliche as it may sound, I have faith that it's true.

fear

I'm scared.

I'm scared that I made the wrong decision. I'm scared that I chose the wrong path. I'm scared that I wasted better opportunities. I'm scared that I'm settling. I'm scared that I'm going to fail.

But I guess, above all else, rather than fear, what should stand out is faith.

So I'm claiming it. God has planned this for me. And I trust that everything will be for the best.

Jeremiah 29:11~