In the past years, while I was trying to make things happen for myself, I guess I somehow forgot that there was something bigger than me that was worth living for. In some way, I became selfish. Not in the sense that I'd willingly step on other people just to get what I want. But I started doing things for myself and myself alone.
The priest mentioned a quote awhile ago by Friedrich Nietzsche: "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." I guess, that 'how' was what was missing in my life these past few years. I somehow stopped thinking that I was doing things for Him and did things just for myself. It's shameful but I guess it was what I needed for me to have my faith strengthened.
I used to believe in Him just because there was no sense of not believing in Him. I lived a charmed life. I had things easy. Even when things were "hard", I was able to overcome them with not much effort. So why would I not believe that there was a God?
This time it's different, my faith in Him is different. I've experienced what it's like to not have Him by your side. I've experienced what it was like to do things without lifting it up to Him. And it was not good.
Today was not a eureka moment. It has taken me quite some time to finally come to terms with myself and my faith again. But today has reinvigorated the idea that everything is infinitely better if they are offered up to Him. So thank you Lord for telling me that today.
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I'm at a much better place right now. I still have low self-esteem some times. I still worry a lot. I still feel that I lack a lot of things in my life. But at the back of my head, the idea that everything will be fine still resonates soundly. I'm happy, despite everything.
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