something

saw this again. it was a message i wrote my friend about a year ago. haha.

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love story, not.

my story got workshopped today. everything was fine. my teacher loved my main character and commended one paragraph on the beading-relationship metaphor i wrote. there was one thing missing, though. they didn't see the "love" between the main character and the love interest. sheesh... it's supposed to be a love story, for crying out loud. i think i've become too cynical.

i'm over him. i swear. but i'm afraid i've become too bitter about things and love, in general.

ismy

I still miss you. But I'm still not allowed to.

imy

I miss you. But I don't think I'm allowed to.

Alternate Reality

The idea of alternate realities fascinates me. Imagine, if it were true, there'd be a world where we'll be the same people we are now yet at the same time different.

In that reality, our conversations will cover more than the usual small talk topics of what our favorite books are, what type of music we listen to and pretty much what our CVs look like. We'd eat lunch together and talk like we've known each other forever. I'd tell you random things about my day and you'd tell me some of yours. In that reality, we would be two kindred souls.

The idea of alternate realities fascinates me. Imagine, if it were true, there'd be a world where we'll be the same people we are now yet at the same time different. In that reality, I'd still be yours. What's different is that you'd be mine, too.

Thankful

I'm tired. I haven't eaten properly in days; eating at odd times and odd proportions. I still have a lot to learn.

But I'm thankful because despite that, I still feel so blessed. Issues are resolved at the end of the day. I have food to eat. And at least, I have been sleeping. I'm also thankful that I have a lot of people supporting me: my officemates who answer all my questions, my friends who cheer me up through texts and fb posts, my family especially my mom for being my very own cheerleading team.

I'm tired, hungry(?), confused and feeling a little inadequate. But I feel that everything's still going to be alright. Yay!

A Million Miles per Minute

A lot of things are going through my mind lately. Recalling the processes I'm learning at work. Things I have to do once I get home. Concepts I need to learn. Whether I'm actually doing something productive for my future. And lots of other things...

I've just started working and although I'm still in the process of being trained for the actual work I'm eventually going to do, I'm starting to really feel inadequate. It's like 4thyr 1stsem all over again when a day goes by and I've understood not even a fraction of the things I'm supposed to understand. I'm learning a lot about stocks and derivatives and other financial whatnots everyday but compared to the things I still have to learn, they seem immaterial. The only difference between then and now is that now pretty much determines my future. There is less room for error and I'm kinda in this alone.

The only thing that's keeping me sane nowadays is the idea that although I haven't come out unscathed from college, I've come out alive and quite kicking. I managed to graduate on time and with honors. Now shouldn't be that much different. If not for that idea, I probably would have cried by now. But I have sort of promised myself that I will not cry and worry too much over this. Instead, I will study and I will research and I will do whatever it takes to do my job as best as I possibly can. I will send mantras of "I can do this!" to myself every minute. And I will not let anything deter me from hoping and hoping and hoping that eventually I'll be very good at this if not the best. I'm just at a disadvantage right now but I will not be for long. I will learn and I will adjust and some time from now, I will laugh at myself for thinking these things.

I have hope.

Hope

I just finished reading We'll Always Have Summer, the last in Jenny Han's Summer trilogy. I'm truly grateful that I've read it. Because in some way, it has given me hope.

Having read the past two books in the trilogy and the synopsis for the latest book, one would know that it could only end in either one of two things. Over the past years, I think I've become a little cynical about love. I still believe in love, that's for sure. But over the years, I've put it in me to think that sometimes, love can't just be enough. Love is not necessarily always right. So I've approached the book with the understanding that it could very well end with Belly, the protagonist, choosing the more logical option. But I guess, 18 years of believing in the power of love and all that jazz cannot be automatically taken away just like that. And half of me still hoped that the story would end in a traditional happily-ever-after.

The book has given me hope. Theoretically, it shouldn't really matter. Everyone's experience with love is different. The author could have been just too romantic. Not everyone must be that lucky, right? But I'm still hopeful. Hopeful that when I find the great love of my life, it will endure. That because of love, everything, despite all things, will fall into place. That no matter what the circumstances, that love will be right.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ~1 Corinthians 13:7