Crossroads

Around a month ago, we answered a questionnaire regarding Culture in the Workplace for our Cultural Awareness class. One aspect which was checked in that questionnaire was our need for certainty. Out of a 100, I scored a 75. Some would probably argue that that is a normal figure. But given that the average score for Filipinos is 44; and out of the 15 countries tested, Brazil with a score of 76 ranked 5th from the highest, my need for certainty is absolutely in the higher levels. Which is probably why given the circumstances I am in right now, I'm certainly feeling stressed and at the same time I'm feeling absolutely giddy.

I never really saw this event happening. It was such a great surprise that I literally felt the chills when I read about it. But it's something that I really want. I never expected to get this near, which is actually not even as near as it seems. It's just quite unfathomable for me. And that is why I can't get over this until it's settled. I can't get over it until I know for sure what the verdict is.

I don't hate the circumstances. I am in a point right now where I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Opportunities like this come but once and I'm certainly up for feeling whatever it is that I'm feeling right now if it means that I get to have a shot at it. I just don't like the feeling that everything's about to change, whatever the result is. I'm gonna be changed for life by this, whatever the outcome is.

Ahhhh... I'm just talking in riddles. This is what uncertainty does to me. I go crazy.

to you

There are certain things I wish to tell you.

That I am thankful for having gotten to know you. I'm grateful that you were the first one who taught me the things I needed to learn. I appreciate how you were so patient with me when I asked questions and when I made mistakes. And I love how you showed genuine concern and made me feel welcome.

That sometimes, I wish we were under different circumstances. I hope you weren't that irresistible. I wish you didn't have her. I hope you like me back.

That despite the fact that the idea of you makes me hurt sometimes, I am grateful you exist. I am thankful for the day you were born. Because even though your presence makes my heart break a little each time I see you, you still give me reason to smile every day.

HB, Occupational Hazard.

something

saw this again. it was a message i wrote my friend about a year ago. haha.

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love story, not.

my story got workshopped today. everything was fine. my teacher loved my main character and commended one paragraph on the beading-relationship metaphor i wrote. there was one thing missing, though. they didn't see the "love" between the main character and the love interest. sheesh... it's supposed to be a love story, for crying out loud. i think i've become too cynical.

i'm over him. i swear. but i'm afraid i've become too bitter about things and love, in general.

ismy

I still miss you. But I'm still not allowed to.

imy

I miss you. But I don't think I'm allowed to.

Alternate Reality

The idea of alternate realities fascinates me. Imagine, if it were true, there'd be a world where we'll be the same people we are now yet at the same time different.

In that reality, our conversations will cover more than the usual small talk topics of what our favorite books are, what type of music we listen to and pretty much what our CVs look like. We'd eat lunch together and talk like we've known each other forever. I'd tell you random things about my day and you'd tell me some of yours. In that reality, we would be two kindred souls.

The idea of alternate realities fascinates me. Imagine, if it were true, there'd be a world where we'll be the same people we are now yet at the same time different. In that reality, I'd still be yours. What's different is that you'd be mine, too.

Thankful

I'm tired. I haven't eaten properly in days; eating at odd times and odd proportions. I still have a lot to learn.

But I'm thankful because despite that, I still feel so blessed. Issues are resolved at the end of the day. I have food to eat. And at least, I have been sleeping. I'm also thankful that I have a lot of people supporting me: my officemates who answer all my questions, my friends who cheer me up through texts and fb posts, my family especially my mom for being my very own cheerleading team.

I'm tired, hungry(?), confused and feeling a little inadequate. But I feel that everything's still going to be alright. Yay!